Awesome huh?! Like I said, how did I forget it. Thanks for reading and heres our updated photo!
XO,
Ash
I'm a normal girl living in an abnormal life. These are my crazy adventures through it all.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
How Did I Forget THIS!?
I posted yesterday about musical therapy and I forgot my favorite one!? How, well who knows. There is this song that every time I hear it I think of my amazing husband Scott. He is such a great man who has been the bestest friend and strongest supporter during all the miscarriages and ups and downs of infertility. It reminds me that I wont give up on him, he wont give up on me and we won't give up on our dream together. Most importantly, we are already our own little family. Just the two of us and that is the most important thing. We are committed 100% to each other and our life together and I have the best person in THE UNIVERSE (no I'm not kidding - he rocks that much!) to experience it with. I am blessed and I love this crazy, fun, hilarious and seriously attractive man so much! This one's for you babe and I love you!!!!!!!! Btw, heres an updated pic of us last week celebrating an amazing Valentine's Day :) - and of course the song. (I'm gonna make it a point to post more pics). And good gracious this song is so amazing. Every time it gets to me and the video is awesome. Whatever challenge your facing - watch this video...it will encourage you! Enjoy!
Awesome huh?! Like I said, how did I forget it. Thanks for reading and heres our updated photo!
XO,
Ash
Awesome huh?! Like I said, how did I forget it. Thanks for reading and heres our updated photo!
XO,
Ash
Better Day - FINALLY!
*sigh*
So today was a better day. I woke up with less pain and little to no nausea. FINALLY, I think the Methotrexate injection from Monday is starting to wear off. I seriously hope that it's working. A lot of women have to get a second injection and I think if I do I will cry. I have never in my life wanted to see a low hcG number on that lab sheet!!!
I was also stretched to do something I wouldn't normally do today. I've been holding on to something worth monetary value that I don't have plans to put to good use in the near future. I came across a person who was in need of it and I felt I needed to step out in faith and help provide for them. It's something I didn't plan on giving away but I am glad I am. I'm so excited to bless someone else in their time of need! It's a little scary because I may have used it in the future - but I may not. I know that's extremely vague but I cannot go into detail for privacy reasons.
All in all, I'm glad to be feeling a little bit better and more like myself. I'm also excited to be helping other people and seeing the positive response from everyone reading this blog! Thank you all for reading and please share! We also have more exciting news to share at a later date - keep following and you will find out later! :)
Lastly, I read some old posts and realized a few things. Post D&C last year we never got any answers. No fetal tissue was found. I kind of left that out there without ever updating anyone. Also, we did put the adoption on hold, but we still talk about that as an option in the future. Right now, we are just focused on getting my hcG down and getting back to baseline. I also have a skin condition under my left arm called Hidradenitis. It's a horrible disease that causes my sweat glands to clog and get infected. It's totally out of my control and when they get infected often times it can cause an abscess. Since I've had multiple abscesses (3) in the past six months, definitive surgery is being recommended. And until I can get surgery, I have to be put on suppressive antibiotics. So all that to say health is the main focus for now. My hidradenitis is caused from a hormone imbalance. Another lovely side affect of PCOS. Again, thank you ovaries. Love Ash :). As a little good news, this past IVF I weighed in 16 pounds lighter than the previous IVF. I still have a ways to go but I'm on the right track as far as that's concerned. Anyone else who has PCOS knows its very difficult for us to lose weight. So you know how challenging that was! ANYWAY- in the mean time Scott and I plan on doing lots of fun stuff together. Including watching Pitch Perfect for the bajillionth time tonight over some sugar free mint chocolate chip ice cream :). In moderation of course! Again, thanks for reading.
Stay tuned,
~Ash
P.S. For those hubbies out there experiencing all this crap (infertility/miscarriages) with their wives - I've asked Scott to write an entry soon so a "guys" perspective in this whole thing is shared and known. Can't wait to see what he writes!
So today was a better day. I woke up with less pain and little to no nausea. FINALLY, I think the Methotrexate injection from Monday is starting to wear off. I seriously hope that it's working. A lot of women have to get a second injection and I think if I do I will cry. I have never in my life wanted to see a low hcG number on that lab sheet!!!
I was also stretched to do something I wouldn't normally do today. I've been holding on to something worth monetary value that I don't have plans to put to good use in the near future. I came across a person who was in need of it and I felt I needed to step out in faith and help provide for them. It's something I didn't plan on giving away but I am glad I am. I'm so excited to bless someone else in their time of need! It's a little scary because I may have used it in the future - but I may not. I know that's extremely vague but I cannot go into detail for privacy reasons.
All in all, I'm glad to be feeling a little bit better and more like myself. I'm also excited to be helping other people and seeing the positive response from everyone reading this blog! Thank you all for reading and please share! We also have more exciting news to share at a later date - keep following and you will find out later! :)
Lastly, I read some old posts and realized a few things. Post D&C last year we never got any answers. No fetal tissue was found. I kind of left that out there without ever updating anyone. Also, we did put the adoption on hold, but we still talk about that as an option in the future. Right now, we are just focused on getting my hcG down and getting back to baseline. I also have a skin condition under my left arm called Hidradenitis. It's a horrible disease that causes my sweat glands to clog and get infected. It's totally out of my control and when they get infected often times it can cause an abscess. Since I've had multiple abscesses (3) in the past six months, definitive surgery is being recommended. And until I can get surgery, I have to be put on suppressive antibiotics. So all that to say health is the main focus for now. My hidradenitis is caused from a hormone imbalance. Another lovely side affect of PCOS. Again, thank you ovaries. Love Ash :). As a little good news, this past IVF I weighed in 16 pounds lighter than the previous IVF. I still have a ways to go but I'm on the right track as far as that's concerned. Anyone else who has PCOS knows its very difficult for us to lose weight. So you know how challenging that was! ANYWAY- in the mean time Scott and I plan on doing lots of fun stuff together. Including watching Pitch Perfect for the bajillionth time tonight over some sugar free mint chocolate chip ice cream :). In moderation of course! Again, thanks for reading.
Stay tuned,
~Ash
P.S. For those hubbies out there experiencing all this crap (infertility/miscarriages) with their wives - I've asked Scott to write an entry soon so a "guys" perspective in this whole thing is shared and known. Can't wait to see what he writes!
Friday, February 22, 2013
Musical Therapy
This is for those of you out there struggling with infertility and pregnancy or infant loss. I've talked to many women online and some of these songs were recommended. I hope you find healing in The Lord and through music. I added a few of my favorites as well...enjoy. P.S. you might wanna grab a tissue or two just in case. XO, Ashliegh
Thursday, February 21, 2013
God's Power in my Weakness
It's been a couple of months since I last posted and a lot has happened. I've wanted to write for a while but I didn't know how to put it all together. I don't even know how to make it sound pretty because it's the farthest thing from it - so here goes nothing.
Right now I'm sitting and writing this with sweaty palms, nausea and abdominal pain because this week I was diagnosed with a right ovarian cyst that subsequently ruptured and an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. To treat the tubal pregnancy I was given an anti-cancer medication that helps to evacuate the baby from the tube. Hence the horrible symptoms. This all came about because we made the courageous decision to endure IVF again. We made the decision carefully, together, and prayed a lot about it. Even though its ended so badly I still don't regret it.
We started the IVF journey in December. I knew everything that was coming with the process and every step to it since we had been there twice before. Things went smoothly with injections and my protocol until my first follicle scan. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's an ultrasound to check how your ovaries are responding to the injections and it's a good indicator of how many eggs will be retrieved. On my first scan I had three follicles that were twice the size they were suppose to be and my estrogen levels had already spiked indicating I was ready to be retrieved (have my eggs collected). To many people three may sound like a lot, to the IVF world its disaster. Rapidly growing follicles hardly ever carry any eggs and when they do they are not high quality.
Our doctor informed us we could cancel and under normal circumstances he would. But knowing us for so long and knowing our journey had been so rough - he was willing to continue in hopes of getting something. So we went ahead and retrieved two days later. By a miracle of God we retrieved 5 eggs! We were so happy! I praised God for the miracle it was. Four of our eggs fertilized and two were nearly perfect. It seemed that this was it for us! Due to my history of multiple miscarriages, and the fact that the other two embryos were lower quality, the doctor put back all four embryos. I was so excited and thought we would probably end up with twins.
Three days after he put them back I started bleeding heavily. This is something you DO NOT want to happen. I went in and had my hormone levels checked and yet again my estrogen decided to go crazy. Estrogen helps support a healthy pregnancy and mine had been well over 1000, which was great! And just two days later it was under 100 - relatively nothing. He had only seen this happen one other time and had no explanation for it. I went on estrogen supplementation and stopped bleeding. Things were looking up but let us know this cycle probably would not be successful. Two weeks later I had a blood draw and to everyones surprise it was positive. It was low but positive (story of my life).
My hcG was only 13. A number of 90-100 would be ideal but I was gonna take it! I was informed to go back in 48 hours later to make sure it doubled. HcG in early pregnancy should rise at least 60% in 48 hours. Well, 48 hours later it dropped to 12. I was so mad because we had worked so hard. I was informed to stop all my support medicine and wait to bleed. A few days following I still had not bled and was nauseated. I went home and took a pregnancy test and it was very positive. I had gotten a very faint line at 13 but this was much darker. So I went back to the hospital and my hcG had almost tripled to 35. Then 48 hours later rose by about 60% to 60. We were thrilled and thought we just had a late starter. Then again 48 hours later dropped to 51 then 48 hours later to 46. Pregnancy was definitely not viable. This would make our fifth miscarriage in a row in 3 1/2 years of infertility.
I was so mad at the roller coaster ride. If it wasn't going to work then why did God allow us to get any eggs. Why did He allow me to get pregnant in the first place? I was so mad but the worst was yet to come. Since my hcG was fluctuating there was a very small chance of an ectopic pregnancy. But if any of you know my story if its gonna go wrong it does. That small chance of an ectopic - its me! This past Sunday I began experiencing horrible right ovarian pain at church. Since Scott is a pastor at our church he couldn't take me to the hospital. Thankfully a friend of mine did.
When I got to the hospital the pain started to worsen. After an array of testing it got uncontrollable. I HATE DRUGS! HATE THEM! And I was asking for multiple doses of Morphine. I usually vomit with narcotics but I was at the point I'd rather vomit than writhe in pain. After some blood work, an ultrasound and pelvic exam the doctor informed me that my hcG was still elevated to 21. He advised me I had a ruptured cyst and there wasn't a reason to not send me home - even though I was in intense pain still. (They couldn't see the ectopic because it was too small). If he had actually looked at my labs and not misunderstood who read them to him - he would have seen my hcG went from 46 to 241 in 10 days which is an indicator for an ectopic pregnancy. But he didn't and subsequently wanted to send me home. Since I was visibly frustrated and crying when he said that he offered to call my doctor.
I said I would really appreciate that and so he did. Thankfully Dr. Anderson is awesome and told me he wanted to see me in the morning. Dr. Anderson actually read my labs and saw my hcG was elevated and treated me with an injection of Methotrexate. The drug that is now making me feel like crud. If Dr. Anderson was never called and didn't follow up I could have ruptured in the near future and if alone could have bled to death. A ruptured ectopic pregnancy is a true life threatening medical emergency. I have never been so thankful for Dr. Anderson in my life!
I know this sounds like an awful story, and it is. But the point is this: I've learned how great of a doctor I have, that my husband is BEYOND supportive (he has taken great care of me since I have been unable to work this week) and God is still faithful. I am blessed. Worst case scenario - I could have died. Best case scenario - what happened. MY doctor did his job. The ER doctor DID NOT! (And sorry if this is TMI but during my lady part exam he asked a nurse if she wanted to look without asking me! INVASION OF PRIVACY THANK YOU!) He's obviously a horrible doctor - I think you got that.
A final thought for all of this: I got a card in the mail today from my dear friend Shannon. It was very uplifting and everything I needed to hear. I'm just going to write it out for you:
Ashliegh,
After we got off the phone the other day, I did a lot of thinking about how we were talking about your "story". Although your story hasn't happened the way you expected or hoped for (yet), I believe you guys are some of the most inspiring people I've ever known. Your strength and hope you carry (no matter how small it seems at times) gives me hope that I can get through the difficult days I have here and there, because I have seen you guys go through so much and I know your strength is not your own, but the Lord's. I pray that you have a revelation of your "story" as it stands even in this moment. My deepest desire is that in every season, my life points others to Jesus. I see that firsthand in you. That, my sweet friend, is the best help you can give to others, and you have done it for me. I love you dearly.
Love,
Shannon
It gives me so much joy that even though my story is not pretty on first glance, its beautiful in it's intricacies. Our story is complicated and confusing. But in the little moments there have been great miracles and wonderful stories of love and hope. The devil thinks that if he throws life in my face that I am going to blame God or curse Him. It's funny because it's done the opposite. My faith in God, my husband, and love is so much stronger than it was when this whole thing started. And apparently God is using me to help others also - which is so amazing! My body may be failing me but God is not. My body may be broken and beaten but my spirit is not! This story will continue to be one of hope and love and endurance. When you cannot carry yourself to the next day or even hour, God will. I did have a few days where I was very crushed and sad. But God brought me through. One of these days I will be posting pictures of our earthly children and telling stories of their first milestones. One of these days. But until then God will help us endure.
2nd Corinthians 12:8-10 (NLT): Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
***Some of you may wonder why I share so much information. Just as a little reason to why: infertility is not talked about enough and miscarriage is so vaguely understood by many. If my story can break that mold and help others who are experiencing it I will continue to BOAST about it!
Much love,
Ashliegh
Right now I'm sitting and writing this with sweaty palms, nausea and abdominal pain because this week I was diagnosed with a right ovarian cyst that subsequently ruptured and an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. To treat the tubal pregnancy I was given an anti-cancer medication that helps to evacuate the baby from the tube. Hence the horrible symptoms. This all came about because we made the courageous decision to endure IVF again. We made the decision carefully, together, and prayed a lot about it. Even though its ended so badly I still don't regret it.
We started the IVF journey in December. I knew everything that was coming with the process and every step to it since we had been there twice before. Things went smoothly with injections and my protocol until my first follicle scan. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's an ultrasound to check how your ovaries are responding to the injections and it's a good indicator of how many eggs will be retrieved. On my first scan I had three follicles that were twice the size they were suppose to be and my estrogen levels had already spiked indicating I was ready to be retrieved (have my eggs collected). To many people three may sound like a lot, to the IVF world its disaster. Rapidly growing follicles hardly ever carry any eggs and when they do they are not high quality.
Our doctor informed us we could cancel and under normal circumstances he would. But knowing us for so long and knowing our journey had been so rough - he was willing to continue in hopes of getting something. So we went ahead and retrieved two days later. By a miracle of God we retrieved 5 eggs! We were so happy! I praised God for the miracle it was. Four of our eggs fertilized and two were nearly perfect. It seemed that this was it for us! Due to my history of multiple miscarriages, and the fact that the other two embryos were lower quality, the doctor put back all four embryos. I was so excited and thought we would probably end up with twins.
Three days after he put them back I started bleeding heavily. This is something you DO NOT want to happen. I went in and had my hormone levels checked and yet again my estrogen decided to go crazy. Estrogen helps support a healthy pregnancy and mine had been well over 1000, which was great! And just two days later it was under 100 - relatively nothing. He had only seen this happen one other time and had no explanation for it. I went on estrogen supplementation and stopped bleeding. Things were looking up but let us know this cycle probably would not be successful. Two weeks later I had a blood draw and to everyones surprise it was positive. It was low but positive (story of my life).
My hcG was only 13. A number of 90-100 would be ideal but I was gonna take it! I was informed to go back in 48 hours later to make sure it doubled. HcG in early pregnancy should rise at least 60% in 48 hours. Well, 48 hours later it dropped to 12. I was so mad because we had worked so hard. I was informed to stop all my support medicine and wait to bleed. A few days following I still had not bled and was nauseated. I went home and took a pregnancy test and it was very positive. I had gotten a very faint line at 13 but this was much darker. So I went back to the hospital and my hcG had almost tripled to 35. Then 48 hours later rose by about 60% to 60. We were thrilled and thought we just had a late starter. Then again 48 hours later dropped to 51 then 48 hours later to 46. Pregnancy was definitely not viable. This would make our fifth miscarriage in a row in 3 1/2 years of infertility.
I was so mad at the roller coaster ride. If it wasn't going to work then why did God allow us to get any eggs. Why did He allow me to get pregnant in the first place? I was so mad but the worst was yet to come. Since my hcG was fluctuating there was a very small chance of an ectopic pregnancy. But if any of you know my story if its gonna go wrong it does. That small chance of an ectopic - its me! This past Sunday I began experiencing horrible right ovarian pain at church. Since Scott is a pastor at our church he couldn't take me to the hospital. Thankfully a friend of mine did.
When I got to the hospital the pain started to worsen. After an array of testing it got uncontrollable. I HATE DRUGS! HATE THEM! And I was asking for multiple doses of Morphine. I usually vomit with narcotics but I was at the point I'd rather vomit than writhe in pain. After some blood work, an ultrasound and pelvic exam the doctor informed me that my hcG was still elevated to 21. He advised me I had a ruptured cyst and there wasn't a reason to not send me home - even though I was in intense pain still. (They couldn't see the ectopic because it was too small). If he had actually looked at my labs and not misunderstood who read them to him - he would have seen my hcG went from 46 to 241 in 10 days which is an indicator for an ectopic pregnancy. But he didn't and subsequently wanted to send me home. Since I was visibly frustrated and crying when he said that he offered to call my doctor.
I said I would really appreciate that and so he did. Thankfully Dr. Anderson is awesome and told me he wanted to see me in the morning. Dr. Anderson actually read my labs and saw my hcG was elevated and treated me with an injection of Methotrexate. The drug that is now making me feel like crud. If Dr. Anderson was never called and didn't follow up I could have ruptured in the near future and if alone could have bled to death. A ruptured ectopic pregnancy is a true life threatening medical emergency. I have never been so thankful for Dr. Anderson in my life!
I know this sounds like an awful story, and it is. But the point is this: I've learned how great of a doctor I have, that my husband is BEYOND supportive (he has taken great care of me since I have been unable to work this week) and God is still faithful. I am blessed. Worst case scenario - I could have died. Best case scenario - what happened. MY doctor did his job. The ER doctor DID NOT! (And sorry if this is TMI but during my lady part exam he asked a nurse if she wanted to look without asking me! INVASION OF PRIVACY THANK YOU!) He's obviously a horrible doctor - I think you got that.
A final thought for all of this: I got a card in the mail today from my dear friend Shannon. It was very uplifting and everything I needed to hear. I'm just going to write it out for you:
Ashliegh,
After we got off the phone the other day, I did a lot of thinking about how we were talking about your "story". Although your story hasn't happened the way you expected or hoped for (yet), I believe you guys are some of the most inspiring people I've ever known. Your strength and hope you carry (no matter how small it seems at times) gives me hope that I can get through the difficult days I have here and there, because I have seen you guys go through so much and I know your strength is not your own, but the Lord's. I pray that you have a revelation of your "story" as it stands even in this moment. My deepest desire is that in every season, my life points others to Jesus. I see that firsthand in you. That, my sweet friend, is the best help you can give to others, and you have done it for me. I love you dearly.
Love,
Shannon
It gives me so much joy that even though my story is not pretty on first glance, its beautiful in it's intricacies. Our story is complicated and confusing. But in the little moments there have been great miracles and wonderful stories of love and hope. The devil thinks that if he throws life in my face that I am going to blame God or curse Him. It's funny because it's done the opposite. My faith in God, my husband, and love is so much stronger than it was when this whole thing started. And apparently God is using me to help others also - which is so amazing! My body may be failing me but God is not. My body may be broken and beaten but my spirit is not! This story will continue to be one of hope and love and endurance. When you cannot carry yourself to the next day or even hour, God will. I did have a few days where I was very crushed and sad. But God brought me through. One of these days I will be posting pictures of our earthly children and telling stories of their first milestones. One of these days. But until then God will help us endure.
2nd Corinthians 12:8-10 (NLT): Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
***Some of you may wonder why I share so much information. Just as a little reason to why: infertility is not talked about enough and miscarriage is so vaguely understood by many. If my story can break that mold and help others who are experiencing it I will continue to BOAST about it!
Much love,
Ashliegh
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Waiting for a Dream
Sometimes I will lay awake in bed, trying to fall asleep, and I think about what I might dream about that night. I dream pretty much every night so it's something I look forward to. I don't often remember them but a few stick out in my mind.
I once heard the last thing you think of, you will dream about. So when I'm missing Dad, I think about him and hope that I get to see him in my dreams. Hear his voice, laugh with him, and just be. I do this with our children too. Of course all of ours are in Heaven, and we have yet to meet them.
However, most nights my dream is random, not about what I was hoping for. Which is a lot like the past three years. We've been hoping, waiting, for our dream to come true. It's something that's consumed my thoughts and is among a lot of my conversations. I'm just waiting for my dream.
Often times the waiting becomes routine. I don't expect anything to change and oddly, there is some comfort in that. Anyone who has experienced multiple miscarriages and infertility knows that if something isn't happening - it means nothing bad is happening. I celebrate the times I was able to get pregnant, but having that high, then experiencing the plummet to the bottom, was not so wonderful.
Most of this post is just from my heart. Where we've been, where we are and where we are going. It's funny because a lot of the time, especially in a public setting, I can talk about all of this and be more than OK. But get me in a more one-on-one situation and it's hard for me to fight back tears.
Just the other day at the OBGYN office, the nurse was interviewing me about my medical history. I knew it was coming sooner or later. She asked, "How many pregnancies have you had?" My answer like it was normal, "Four." And her reply just ripped my heart out. She said, "So you have how many children..." As if to imply four or at least three. My response, "I have no children." (At least on Earth anyway) It was all I could do to hold the tears in. To not break down and freak out. It has been a little over nine months since our last miscarriage and I still carry it all with me.
Which is why I have decided - with the help of Scott - to talk with a counselor. I have got to process my grief and anger regarding miscarriages, infertility and losing my amazing father-in-law or I wont be a good Mom when it does happen.
Although this appointment was difficult and it brought out emotions I generally shove to the bottom of somewhere, it gave me a lot of answers. One big thing - I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and most of my medical issues are linked to it. Now that we have a diagnosis I can find ways to be more comfortable, even if I don't achieve pregnancy.
This time we have taken for ourselves regarding adopting has obviously brought up an array of different things. I really think God was orchestrating this timing for us to heal and move on. I think when we are ready God will bless us either with a pregnancy or guide us the rest of the way in our adoption journey.
Anyway, for any of you out there waiting on your dream of becoming a parent, know this: take the time out you need to heal. A lot of people say, "Just keep going, once you have a baby it will make you forget about it all." Sure, it might. But that means you've never healed. I believe I will be a better Mom in the future if I allow myself to heal now. So for the time being I really am OK waiting for my dream.
I once heard the last thing you think of, you will dream about. So when I'm missing Dad, I think about him and hope that I get to see him in my dreams. Hear his voice, laugh with him, and just be. I do this with our children too. Of course all of ours are in Heaven, and we have yet to meet them.
However, most nights my dream is random, not about what I was hoping for. Which is a lot like the past three years. We've been hoping, waiting, for our dream to come true. It's something that's consumed my thoughts and is among a lot of my conversations. I'm just waiting for my dream.
Often times the waiting becomes routine. I don't expect anything to change and oddly, there is some comfort in that. Anyone who has experienced multiple miscarriages and infertility knows that if something isn't happening - it means nothing bad is happening. I celebrate the times I was able to get pregnant, but having that high, then experiencing the plummet to the bottom, was not so wonderful.
Most of this post is just from my heart. Where we've been, where we are and where we are going. It's funny because a lot of the time, especially in a public setting, I can talk about all of this and be more than OK. But get me in a more one-on-one situation and it's hard for me to fight back tears.
Just the other day at the OBGYN office, the nurse was interviewing me about my medical history. I knew it was coming sooner or later. She asked, "How many pregnancies have you had?" My answer like it was normal, "Four." And her reply just ripped my heart out. She said, "So you have how many children..." As if to imply four or at least three. My response, "I have no children." (At least on Earth anyway) It was all I could do to hold the tears in. To not break down and freak out. It has been a little over nine months since our last miscarriage and I still carry it all with me.
Which is why I have decided - with the help of Scott - to talk with a counselor. I have got to process my grief and anger regarding miscarriages, infertility and losing my amazing father-in-law or I wont be a good Mom when it does happen.
Although this appointment was difficult and it brought out emotions I generally shove to the bottom of somewhere, it gave me a lot of answers. One big thing - I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and most of my medical issues are linked to it. Now that we have a diagnosis I can find ways to be more comfortable, even if I don't achieve pregnancy.
This time we have taken for ourselves regarding adopting has obviously brought up an array of different things. I really think God was orchestrating this timing for us to heal and move on. I think when we are ready God will bless us either with a pregnancy or guide us the rest of the way in our adoption journey.
Anyway, for any of you out there waiting on your dream of becoming a parent, know this: take the time out you need to heal. A lot of people say, "Just keep going, once you have a baby it will make you forget about it all." Sure, it might. But that means you've never healed. I believe I will be a better Mom in the future if I allow myself to heal now. So for the time being I really am OK waiting for my dream.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Infertility, Adoption and Life's Obstacles
It's been a while since I've written because I didn't know what to write about. Lately, I've been feeling more like I don't want the world to know our story. I forgot why I was doing a blog and why I was sharing everything that's happened.
I've realized that this year has been extremely difficult. Since May of 2011 we've experienced 4 miscarriages, Scott's father passed away suddenly, his Grandmother also passed, and we both had friends that died. I didn't want to write about those things. I didn't want to write about infertility or loss or death. It means that I have to face it. I've also been experiencing health issues outside of infertility and that have been incredibly frustrating.
We've taken a couple months off from adopting and moving forward with that because of everything that's happened. We realized that the past three years have only been focused on having a child, and that we needed some time to regroup and start fresh. That's not to say that we don't want to adopt - we just need to be emotionally ready.
This time off came at the right time. Soon after deciding to take a "break" I had to have surgery for a skin condition. I also found out that I have the beginnings of degenerative disc disease in two discs in my lower back. I am overweight and I've already lost 12 pounds, but I don't look at myself and go, "Ashliegh your huge! No wonder you have back problems!" So it was a shock to me to hear these results. My back doctor informed me that if I don't strengthen my core I will end up having a spinal fusion in the future. Being a surgical assistant I know I don't want that surgery. He also told me it was a good thing we were taking "time off" from everything (adoption and infertility treatments) because if I got pregnant it could make my back problems much worse.
Since finding out that information, I really have struggled. And here's why I think I have: I know it's been a struggle for us to conceive and carry a child. Obviously, we've had 4 miscarriages. But it was the fact that someone was literally telling me DO NOT GET PREGNANT. YOU CANNOT DO THIS RIGHT NOW. And it sent me in an emotional spiral. It caused me to finally deal with our last miscarriage (Scott's Dad passed 8 days after my D&C - so I just tucked it away) and it made me realize I don't want to be an unhealthy Mom.
So, in all my emotional confusion and health frustration I've decided to make a commitment to becoming healthier. Not a commitment to becoming a Mom, or to infertility treatments or adoption paperwork and preparation. To me being healthy. I am currently on day 3 of the AdvoCare 24 day challenge. It's definitely "challenging", but I know it will be worth it. I want to lose another 30 pounds and that will put me in a normal weight range and back to my wedding weight. I feel like its a huge mountain to climb and anyone who's gained weight due to fertility treatment can sympathize. When we started our journey I was 135-140 lbs. When I weighed in at our last IVF egg retrieval I was 179.5 at 5'4'' almost a year ago. Since then I've lost about 12 pounds and I'm hoping this challenge will help me shed some more. Working out has become difficult because my back is weak but I'm getting there.
Overall, you can see how this year has taken its toll on us. Before we decided on a break we started a nursery for our future child. We had planned on adopting very soon so we wanted to prepare. Now I look at that nursery as motivation. I want to be the best mother I can be. I'll be done with school in the next couple of months and it gives me time to get in better shape. I'm hoping this Christmas brings something very special for us. Please continue to pray for us and our future family. And other couples out there struggling to have children. And pray I can continue to become healthier. It's not easy but I know it will be worth it.
~Ashliegh
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Reality
As I look back on the past three years of trying to have kids, fertility treatments, IVF, multiple miscarriages and adoption, I realize one thing. It has been hard, but it can always be worse. Reading other women's blogs about loss, stillbirth, or finding out their children are born with cancer, has grounded me. Maybe the Lord spared Scott and I from the unimaginable that these couples have faced. Did losing four of our children early on in our pregnancies suck? Ummm yes. But in choosing miscarriage over the loss of a child, there's no comparison. I'm realizing that while I am "infertile" and we don't know the future, that I am blessed with what I have.
This is my reality. Adoption is beautiful and infertility is hard. But someday, hopefully soon, we will grow as a family. And in the mean time we will celebrate the beauty of our life now. We have love and faith. We still have hope. Those things are priceless.
This is my reality. Adoption is beautiful and infertility is hard. But someday, hopefully soon, we will grow as a family. And in the mean time we will celebrate the beauty of our life now. We have love and faith. We still have hope. Those things are priceless.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)