Small Achievements

For those of you who've read my blog and have experienced miscarriage you will understand this to the core.  The immediate days following a miscarriage seem to go by so slowly.  I feel the same after every one.  It hurts so bad and I just want to be past it and it seems to last forever.  And today was no different except for this:  I got up at a normal time, showered, did my makeup and put on normal clothes.  I even went to visit a friend.  I've had normal meals at normal times and I'm seriously thinking about doing the dishes.  It's funny how normal daily activities are such an achievement when you go through something so difficult.  The things that were so easy before this, now seem to drain the energy right out of me.  It may be small but I'm moving forward.  

For this miscarriage, we elected to have a D&C and have tissue sent to the Mayo Clinic to be tested.  We're hoping that this will provide answers to why we are having a hard time keeping a pregnancy.  Those answers can't come soon enough.  I'm hoping those answers will provide closure.  I don't know if its because I had a D&C and/or because it was done at my place of employment.  But I am having a difficult time being back there.  I went to pick up flowers that were delivered from my in-laws, and I get very anxious being in that building.  Not so good for the job aspect.  I advised my boss I would be back on Monday and I'm hoping that anxiousness subsides by then.  Also, since I work in surgery and had surgery - all of my co-workers know what happened to me.  They ask if I'm "ok" and the answer is no but I don't wanna sound like a jerk.  It's also the look they give you like well, like your baby just died.  It's so hard.  

I know pretending won't make it go away, but I wish I could pretend it didn't happen so it wouldn't hurt so bad.  So small achievements make me feel better.  Getting dressed and being showered and normal is a big thing today.  It's funny, being alone is almost easier than being around people who know.  I would use the term "baby steps" but that just seems cruel.  So small achievements will do.  

p.s.  I'm not one to "air my dirty laundry" online.  So in case your taken back by my honesty know this: only people who have no idea who I am and are actively seeking my blog or people I allow to see this are getting this information.  So no worries on the personal front. ;)

4 too many...

So it's been a while since I've kept you all up to date.  Scott and I have been busy with church, work and school, which has been a good distraction up until now.  On Saturday - three days ago - we had a D&C as a result of our fourth miscarriage.  At this point there aren't words to describe the heartache this is.  I NEVER thought I'd be here.  I know statistics don't matter to God but only 1% of couples actively trying to conceive will have three or more consecutive losses.  I feel like I'm starting to lose hope.  I honestly don't know what will happen, what we'll find out, or what to do.  I just ask that you would pray for us.  For direction, guidance, and most of all peace and healing.  It's devastating.  I thought it would be better to go back to work today and I got there, and couldn't keep myself together.  I only stayed two hours before I had to leave.  I want this all to be behind us.  Also, not to forget...today is my due date with our first angel.  What a day.