What It Feels Like

I guess you could say I'm pretty open about my infertility.  I don't mind talking about it as long as I'm not too emotional that day.  (However, there are times I will just start crying talking about it)  So don't get me wrong, it is difficult.  I wanted to express how it feels to be infertile.  More so for people who aren't infertile, but also for those of you who are looking for words to label your feelings.  

It's hard to put words on these feelings.  I even did a Google search and couldn't really find the right thing.  None of it really hit home for me.  So I'm going to do my best and describe what it feels like.

When I was younger, before boyfriends or dating or any of that stuff, I dreamed of being a Mom.  I grew up with a pretty amazing Mom.  She was a single Mom for the first 4 1/2 years of my life.  She did a great job and made sure I had everything I needed.  She gave me the choice to live, even though it changed everything for her.  I was unplanned, unexpected, surprising, and all together a shock.  But she made what could have been a hindrance, a wonderful life.

I watched my Mom closely as I grew up.  I always knew she loved and cared for me so much.  And as the years went on I realized how wonderful a relationship we developed.  I began my teen years and I remember thinking to myself, "I can't wait to be my daughter's Mom".  I looked forward to the day where I would meet this AMAZING man, and we'd marry and grow our own little family.  It's always been my dream.

I never grew up thinking I'd "be" something.  I never wanted to be an astronaut or doctor or professional athlete.  I wanted to be a Mom.  I still do - so very much.  Now imagine my surprise, when I finally find the man of my dreams, we marry and get settled into life and then something is not quite right.

When your dream of becoming this one thing is shattered by a diagnosis you have no control over it's maddening.  Scott will tell you I'm not the funnest person to live with sometimes.  I will come home after a long day at work, where either I've heard of multiple drug babies being born, have had to do multiple D&C's for miscarried babies, or had to help with c-sections where the mother "accidentally" got pregnant for the third time - and at that point I'm angry.  Infertility has brought out the worst emotions in me.  Especially anger.  I do my best to pray through it, cry through it, or ignore it, but I'm human.  There's no getting around these emotions.

It literally makes me feel out of control.  Outside of God doing a miracle to our bodies, the only way we will get pregnant is if my eggs are sucked out from my ovaries and matched with "washed" swimmers via a microscopic needle in a doctor's office and then re-implanted into me while I stare at the poster on the ceiling.  Romantic huh?  Yeah that whole beautiful part of conceiving a child in a candle lit bedroom on your anniversary or Valentine's Day?  Nope not us.  Just the good ole IVF room at Dr. Anderson's office.  Which I am thankful for- at least we have that technology.  It's just not very fun.

Infertility has also made me deeply saddened and all together a different person.  There are days where I just want to stop everything, go home and cry.  I know it doesn't fix anything or change it, but it just makes me feel better.  Getting it all out.  What use to be beautiful and exciting - is not anymore.  By that what I'm saying is, seeing little babies everywhere.  Hearing about someones pregnancy, delivery, or children.  A big part of me is still very excited for them, especially if their my friends.  But a big part of me will always be sad until I get to experience that.

So many, SO SO many people have told me, "your young, you have plenty of TIME".  I realize that yes, time is on our side.  Does that mean I want to spend the next 15 years trying to have children?  Would you want that?  Of course not!  So why people suggest that it's somehow "easier" because I have that option is crazy.  We've already endured YEARS of this, why would we want to endure more?  And yes we're "young" so we can try longer, but does that discount our heartache we've experienced?  Does it take away our three miscarriages?  No.  Does it bring those babies in my arms?  No.  So instead of trying to encourage someone in my situation with those words, maybe say something along the lines of, "I will be praying that it happens soon for you."  or "We keep you in our prayers all the time." (thanks Shannon and Nathan Brophy for that :) )  There are better things to uplift an infertile couple than suggestions about how long they might have to wait until they have children.

It's my assumption (yes I know those are sometimes bad) but nonetheless, my assumption, that people think infertility is like drinking too much coffee.  The side effects are there, but there are ways to "fix" them.  Just do the right things and POOF! baby.  But it doesn't quite work that way.  Its very complicated and intricate.  And many emotions are left out there in the open.  Words hurt badly and they leave marks people don't even realize their leaving.  Try and understand that infertility is a serious medical condition.  It affects about 10% of the reproductive population.  And that every case is different.  Just because one thing worked for your next door neighbor, doesn't mean it works for someone else.  And because your cousin adopted and then got pregnant doesn't mean that happens for everyone either.  If that's what happened then God wanted them to adopt and for it to work out that way.  Scott and I have had the conversation - we will NOT adopt just to have biological children.

When people say this it drives me crazy.  I feel like they think they've found the perfect solution.  Why would you not honor the beauty of adoption in itself instead of using it as an avenue into childbirth?

Overall, this whole world we're living in its different.  We're different and we know it.  When we see people all around us having children - because we're at that age, and we're not - we know.  When we get the question from acquaintances asking us when its "our time"?  We know.  And it brings about a fury of emotions.  Hurt, depression, anger, frustration, irritation, money issues, happiness, helplessness, etc.  Pretty much any emotion you can think of we've probably felt it along the way.  And realize we have no idea when this will end - if ever.  We have hope and faith in the Lord that He will bless us, but maybe what we hope for will come to find us in a way we don't expect.  We just don't know.  This infertile life is one of never knowing.  But, in all of that we still love each other so much.  We have a great time together and if it ends up being just us forever, I will always consider myself blessed.  I have found the love of my life, and whether or not we get to have children, I will still enjoy our life together. 

Not So "Anonymous" Anymore

After our last miscarriage something occurred to me.  Women facing infertility and miscarriage don't want to talk about their problems.  And when they do people around them have a hard time relating to them and they don't know what to say.  Some people who want to support and love them end up saying the wrong things.  So I decided to make this blog public.  So public we put it in our Christmas letter.  So for those of you who've been reading, our names aren't really "John and Jane", my name is Ashliegh and I'm married to a pretty awesome guy- Scott.  We live in Alaska and we have experienced infertility for over two years and have had three miscarriages since June of 2011.  

I found something on Pinterest that is so fitting for infertility.  Those of you who have experienced it or are still experiencing it like us will get a little laugh out of this.  And for those of you who know someone, please don't say these things to them.

  

And a little extra word of encouragement.  Lots of people have told me "you are SO young, you have plenty of time".  I may only be 24, and Scott only 27.  But that doesn't discount our heartache or what we are going through.  So the next time you come across someone experiencing these things, sometimes it's better to listen or offer a hug.  One of my best friends has been a great help through all of this and most of the time she just sits there and listens and lets me cry on her shoulder.  That can be the biggest help.

Here's a preview of our Christmas Letter we sent out- and a picture of us on our recent trip to The Caribbean :)

Dear Family and Friends,

I hope this letter finds you happy and healthy this holiday season.  2011 has been a wonderful year, and we hope it’s been the same for you.  We’ve had a year of growth, struggle, grace and triumph.  But as always, we’ve seen the providence of God in every decision and step we take.

Scott is still working diligently at Kenai New Life Assembly of God.  For the past two years, he has served as the Christian Education Director but will transition into the Youth Ministry in January.  I’m proud to say he just finished his credentialing test to become a Licensed Minister.  He has worked very hard the past couple years to achieve this goal.    Scott also serves as the President of the Kenai Peninsula Soccer Club.  He definitely stays busy but is such an inspiration to me. 

 

As for myself, I’m still working as a Surgical Tech at our local hospital.  I was recently accepted into Surgical Assisting School through Meridian Institute out of Tennessee, and will finish in September of 2012.  It’s a challenging career but very rewarding as well.  I stay involved with the church as a Sunday school teacher, worship team member and women’s ministry events.  It’s been a blessing to us to be a part of New Life Assembly of God; not only because of the church, but the people at New Life have encouraged us as well.

Recently, I’ve realized how amazing those friends are.  For those of you who don’t know, we’ve struggled to conceive a child for the past two years. During that time our church members, family and friends have supported us endlessly.  After prayer and careful consideration, this summer we decided to move forward with fertility treatments.  Between May and October, we endured three miscarriages.  It was one of the most heart breaking times we’ve ever experienced.  Though we’ve been through a lot this year we still see the Lord guiding our steps.  This experience has definitely opened our eyes to the need of infertile couples.

During this holiday season we ask you to not only keep us in your prayers but those around you who may be experiencing the same struggle.  This journey has taught me a lot and my knowledge has grown regarding infertility.  Many women are scared, uncomfortable, or too hurt to talk about it.  I would like to break that mold and offer support and help to those experiencing infertility.  If you know someone who would like support or prayer please ask them to contact me through my blog, www.prayersinapetridish.blogspot.com.  

We appreciate your love, support and prayers as we continue our difficult path.  We also hope this holiday season is filled with blessing for you and your family.  

But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint.  ~Isaiah 40:31

With Much Love,

Scott & Ashliegh

 

The Melting Pot in Ft. Lauderdale, FL - SO delicious!

A Step in the Right Direction

I am so relieved.  I just got back from visiting the doctor's office and my nurse practitioner is going to talk with some nurses at the office and get the ball rolling on my testing.  I did have some blood work done for a blood clotting disorder and a lipid panel to see if my cholesterol levels are normal.  It's kind of weird hoping there is something wrong with you.  I guess if there is something wrong, there is something to fix.  

On an other note, due to the fertility diet I have lost 8 pounds!  I am so excited and hoping that this continues!  If anything I will be healthier.  I have noticed more energy and I love it.  I use to want to come home and take naps after work and now I'm making plans for what I'm going to do after work, its awesome.

As good as the fertility diet is with the massage and all that, I'm still missing my baby so much.  I had a break down last night for the first time in about a week.  I felt like I was doing so good and then all the sudden I wasn't.  I hate that I've had three miscarriages in such a short time.  I just want a baby!!!  I don't know why my body wants to be so difficult!  

Thankfully, I was encouraged a lot yesterday because I needed it.  A Facebook friend had written a verse on their status, it was 1st Peter 2:19 which says, "For God is pleased with you when you do what you know is right and patiently endure unfair treatment."  Also, the verse of the day on my phone was Isaiah 40:31 which says, "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  And on top of all of that I had a great phone conversation with my mom who was very encouraging.  

As much as learning all of this has been beneficial, I am hoping this journey is over soon.  I'm really tired and brokenhearted.  I don't know how much more I can handle.  I'm hoping the Lord is going to do something great.  I feel like I have my hand on a plug and all I need to do is pull hard and blessing will pour out over John and I.  I am so ready for that!

Oh Geez...

Okay, sorry I haven't written in a few days.  Here's the deal.  We did get pregnant but had another chemical pregnancy.  I've had a really hard time with this one because it's our third in a row.  I'm kinda tired of losing my babies.  It down right sucks.  I have a feeling there are some other underlying issues so I've looked into immune and blood testing to see why my babies don't seem to implant very well.  So we'll see what comes of all of that.  The doctors I've spoken to don't seem to understand my need to find out why this is happening so I have an appointment with a new doctor tomorrow (Thursday) to see if she can help.  One thing I've realized is after three miscarriages I believe you are considered high risk once you are pregnant.  Not a label that I really wanted to have.  

John and I have decided to take a break from IVF and fertility treatments for a while.  We are definitely burnt out and tired of all the needles and procedures. So in the meantime we have decided to do a "fertility diet" and I'm also doing fertility massage.  I figure it couldn't hurt and maybe we'll get pregnant on our own again!  Here's the jist of what I'm doing in case you want to try it out yourself.

Here's what I'm taking:

Fertility Blend for Women
-It has vitamin B6 in it, which if you have a shorter luteal phase (the time between when you ovulate and have you period) it will increase it. If its 10 days or less it can be very difficult to conceive. I've had short luteal phases in the past so that's why I'm taking it.
-It has Chasteberry Extract in it which helps balance your hormones and normalize ovulation.
-It has L-arginine and it helps maintain healthy uterine lining. I'm also taking a baby aspirin (81mg) per day to help with implantation. Since all my miscarriages have been during implantation I'm hoping that will help.

I'm also taking Royal Jelly which also helps regulate hormones and most importantly for me helps with egg health. My Fertility Specialist thinks this is the main cause of my issues, so I figure if my eggs are healthier maybe I'll make better babies that will stay! It also "boosts your libido" so having sex more often tends to lead to more babies. ;)

John is also taking Fertility Blend for men which helps boost sperm health and quality.


The fertility book I'm reading, "The Fertility Diet", by Jorge E. Chavarro and Walter C. Willett, gives ten diet changes to help boost your fertility. Here's what they say:

1. Avoid trans fats, the artery-clogging fats found in many commercially prepared products and fast foods.
2. Use more unsaturated vegetable oils, such as olive oil or canola oil.
3. Eat more vegetable protein, like beans and nuts, and less animal protein.
4. Choose whole grains and other sources of carbohydrate that have lower, slower effects on blood sugar and insulin rather than highly refined carbohydrates that quickly boost blood sugar and insulin.
5. Drink a glass of whole milk or have a small dish of ice cream or full fat yogurt every day; temporarily trade in skim milk and low- or no-fat dairy products like cottage cheese and frozen yogurt for their full-fat cousins.
6. Take a multivitamin that contains folic acid and other B vitamins.
7. Get plenty of iron from fruits, vegetables, beans, and supplements but not from red meat.
8. Beverages matter: water is great; coffee, tea, and alcohol are OK in moderation; leave sugared sodas unopened.
9. Aim for a healthy weight. If you are overweight, losing between 5 and 10 percent of your weight can jump-start ovulation.
10. If you aren't physically active, start a daily exercise plan. If you already exercise, pick up the pace of your workouts. But don't overdo it, especially if you are quite lean- too much exercise can work against conception.

So we will see what happens.  John and I are also taking a romantic vacation in a couple weeks so that can't hurt either!  Wish us luck and keep us in your prayers.

Jane

3%....

Welp, they say that 3% of women have three miscarriages in a row....guess what?  I'm 3%!  I think I need to but a lottery ticket or something.  Then I could afford all this IVF treatment and now, to delve deeper, a specialist by the name of Dr. Braverman in NY suspects I have an immunological disorder that is preventing me from carrying a pregnancy.  The only issue with that is an initial consult is $650 over the phone.  He is a very bright and intelligent doctor so I understand, we just can't afford that at the moment.  I so want to see him though.  UGH I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!!!!  STUPID CHEMICAL PREGNANCIES!!!!  I'm so glad I can vent here.  I'm not sure if there are very many people who understand how frustrating this is...on top of IVF and all that, now this?  Seriously!?  I think I'm ready to make this blog non-anonymous soon.

The TWW

If you're not familiar with "infertility lingo" the TWW stands for "the two week wait".  Which is the two weeks following ovulation, or in our case an embryo transfer.  We just completed our 2nd round of IVF and we're waiting to find out the results.  At the end of the TWW you will know if you're pregnant...or not.  As for right now I am 9dp3dt.  Also more lingo.  Which means I'm 9 days past 3 day transfer.  Our embryos were three days old and that's when they transferred them back.  Since then 9 days have passed.  They ask you wait 14 until you test. 

Let me tell ya...2 weeks is WAY TOO LONG!  For a woman who's been trying to conceive for two years the next five days seem excruciating.  I honestly just want to know.  Our doctor transferred three embryos which is one more than the normal for someone my age.  But they weren't the "best looking embryos" as he said.  So in that case, the more the merrier!  We want some babies cookin!  For a little science lesson here is a picture of my babies.  Aren't they cute?!

So it's kind of hard to see but the one in the far upper right hand corner is the best.  The cells within the embryo are the same size and it is not fragmented.  When the cells divide sometimes they leave fragments like the one in the bottom left.  That one is the worst and is fragmented pretty badly.  Which brings me to my third pride and joy the middle child.  This embryo is "okay" not too much fragmenting but the cells are uneven in size.  And those two eggs that don't have any cells were not mature enough to fertilize.

And this is why our doctor put all three back in hopes that one of theses little babies would work.  So as you can see the waiting is torture!  We're praying very fervently along side a very close knit support group of family and friends that #2 is our time!  Very interestingly enough God gave me a verse a year and a half ago which was Hebrews 10:23 which you see at the top of my blog.  Well, in God's sense of humor way we are to find out if we're expecting on 10/23. 

God is good.  I'm praying expectantly for our little miracle or maybe even miracles :).  Here's to the next few days.  I'll keep you updated.

Where to begin?

I have decided to write this blog anonymously until I feel comfortable revealing my identity.  So for names sake I'll introduce myself as Jane and my husband is John.  

John and I have battled infertility for two years.  It's been excruciating and gut wrenching, something I wouldn't wish on anyone.  I knew initially something wasn't right.  I went of the birth control pill one year after John and I got married.  It was a task in itself to make that step forward.  

I remember growing up we had a service at my church to pray for infertile women.  I remember watching them walk up to the alter to get prayed for with tear filled eyes and angst in every step.  I remember thinking, "Lord please don't ever let that be me."  But for some reason it is.  

After going off birth control I had very irregular periods.  For six months things were absolutely unpredictable.  I'd go 23 days and suddenly my period would start and last for over 10.  Then the next cycle I'd go 38 and only have a period for three days.  So finally I'd had enough.  I went to my OB/GYN to figure things out.  If anything he'd help me regulate my periods, and hopefully get us pregnant quicker.  

I expressed my concern that yes, it hadn't been a year, but we had been trying for 6 months, and as a young couple I was worried.  He was very understanding and ran some tests on my husband and I.  I expected something would be wrong with me since my periods were so irregular.  But to John and I's surprise he had some issues too.  John's sperm analysis came back with a low count and low motility.  The doctor also said that some of them weren't even alive.  If you don't know sperm motility refers to the movement and swimming of sperm. Poor sperm motility means that the sperm do not swim properly.  So as you can imagine we were quite surprised.

Our OB/GYN said at this point it was "past his scope of practice" and referred us to a Fertility Specialist.  We are blessed in a very small town to have an excellent fertility doctor with over 20 years of experience.  We initially scheduled the visit for a couple months down the road, as the FS was very busy.  A couple weeks before the appointment John was hesitant to go.  I tried to talk him into it but we ended up canceling the appointment.  I was devastated.

We ended up rescheduling for a few months down the road.  At this point we had been trying for a year.  We met with the FS and I explained my irregular periods, John's sperm issues and my concerns.  Again, to our surprise we realized it wasn't just John.  It was both of us.  My irregular periods were caused by sporadic ovulation.  So much that my FS characterized it as "anovulation".  Which means I don't ovulate.

He recommended we try ovulation induction and so we complied.  We tried a drug called Femara for two months with no avail.  We decided to give it one more go.  All the while I kept in contact with my FS.  He suggested if we could fix one of our problems we may be able to conceive on our own.  But after three months he wasn't so sure.  

One afternoon he called me at work.  He informed me that women my age (mid 20's), that 95% of them would be pregnant by now.  He assured me that we could keep taking the Femara month after month, and he was okay with that.  But suggested that we consider IVF with ICSI as an option.  ICSI stands for Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection.  The FS injects a single sperm into the egg and creates an embryo, rather than letting the sperm fertilize on its own.  He suspected John's sperm may have trouble penetrating my eggs.  As he has other sperm issues it was very likely.  So we decided if this final round of Femara didn't work we would move on to IVF w/ ICSI.  And Femara, yet again did not work.

We are now on our 2nd round of ICSI and for time's sake, I will write more about our lovely endeavors of ICSI later.  Keep updated because this part gets good :)

Sincerely,

Jane