I've realized that this year has been extremely difficult. Since May of 2011 we've experienced 4 miscarriages, Scott's father passed away suddenly, his Grandmother also passed, and we both had friends that died. I didn't want to write about those things. I didn't want to write about infertility or loss or death. It means that I have to face it. I've also been experiencing health issues outside of infertility and that have been incredibly frustrating.
We've taken a couple months off from adopting and moving forward with that because of everything that's happened. We realized that the past three years have only been focused on having a child, and that we needed some time to regroup and start fresh. That's not to say that we don't want to adopt - we just need to be emotionally ready.
This time off came at the right time. Soon after deciding to take a "break" I had to have surgery for a skin condition. I also found out that I have the beginnings of degenerative disc disease in two discs in my lower back. I am overweight and I've already lost 12 pounds, but I don't look at myself and go, "Ashliegh your huge! No wonder you have back problems!" So it was a shock to me to hear these results. My back doctor informed me that if I don't strengthen my core I will end up having a spinal fusion in the future. Being a surgical assistant I know I don't want that surgery. He also told me it was a good thing we were taking "time off" from everything (adoption and infertility treatments) because if I got pregnant it could make my back problems much worse.
Since finding out that information, I really have struggled. And here's why I think I have: I know it's been a struggle for us to conceive and carry a child. Obviously, we've had 4 miscarriages. But it was the fact that someone was literally telling me DO NOT GET PREGNANT. YOU CANNOT DO THIS RIGHT NOW. And it sent me in an emotional spiral. It caused me to finally deal with our last miscarriage (Scott's Dad passed 8 days after my D&C - so I just tucked it away) and it made me realize I don't want to be an unhealthy Mom.
So, in all my emotional confusion and health frustration I've decided to make a commitment to becoming healthier. Not a commitment to becoming a Mom, or to infertility treatments or adoption paperwork and preparation. To me being healthy. I am currently on day 3 of the AdvoCare 24 day challenge. It's definitely "challenging", but I know it will be worth it. I want to lose another 30 pounds and that will put me in a normal weight range and back to my wedding weight. I feel like its a huge mountain to climb and anyone who's gained weight due to fertility treatment can sympathize. When we started our journey I was 135-140 lbs. When I weighed in at our last IVF egg retrieval I was 179.5 at 5'4'' almost a year ago. Since then I've lost about 12 pounds and I'm hoping this challenge will help me shed some more. Working out has become difficult because my back is weak but I'm getting there.
Overall, you can see how this year has taken its toll on us. Before we decided on a break we started a nursery for our future child. We had planned on adopting very soon so we wanted to prepare. Now I look at that nursery as motivation. I want to be the best mother I can be. I'll be done with school in the next couple of months and it gives me time to get in better shape. I'm hoping this Christmas brings something very special for us. Please continue to pray for us and our future family. And other couples out there struggling to have children. And pray I can continue to become healthier. It's not easy but I know it will be worth it.
~Ashliegh
