What It Feels Like

I guess you could say I'm pretty open about my infertility.  I don't mind talking about it as long as I'm not too emotional that day.  (However, there are times I will just start crying talking about it)  So don't get me wrong, it is difficult.  I wanted to express how it feels to be infertile.  More so for people who aren't infertile, but also for those of you who are looking for words to label your feelings.  

It's hard to put words on these feelings.  I even did a Google search and couldn't really find the right thing.  None of it really hit home for me.  So I'm going to do my best and describe what it feels like.

When I was younger, before boyfriends or dating or any of that stuff, I dreamed of being a Mom.  I grew up with a pretty amazing Mom.  She was a single Mom for the first 4 1/2 years of my life.  She did a great job and made sure I had everything I needed.  She gave me the choice to live, even though it changed everything for her.  I was unplanned, unexpected, surprising, and all together a shock.  But she made what could have been a hindrance, a wonderful life.

I watched my Mom closely as I grew up.  I always knew she loved and cared for me so much.  And as the years went on I realized how wonderful a relationship we developed.  I began my teen years and I remember thinking to myself, "I can't wait to be my daughter's Mom".  I looked forward to the day where I would meet this AMAZING man, and we'd marry and grow our own little family.  It's always been my dream.

I never grew up thinking I'd "be" something.  I never wanted to be an astronaut or doctor or professional athlete.  I wanted to be a Mom.  I still do - so very much.  Now imagine my surprise, when I finally find the man of my dreams, we marry and get settled into life and then something is not quite right.

When your dream of becoming this one thing is shattered by a diagnosis you have no control over it's maddening.  Scott will tell you I'm not the funnest person to live with sometimes.  I will come home after a long day at work, where either I've heard of multiple drug babies being born, have had to do multiple D&C's for miscarried babies, or had to help with c-sections where the mother "accidentally" got pregnant for the third time - and at that point I'm angry.  Infertility has brought out the worst emotions in me.  Especially anger.  I do my best to pray through it, cry through it, or ignore it, but I'm human.  There's no getting around these emotions.

It literally makes me feel out of control.  Outside of God doing a miracle to our bodies, the only way we will get pregnant is if my eggs are sucked out from my ovaries and matched with "washed" swimmers via a microscopic needle in a doctor's office and then re-implanted into me while I stare at the poster on the ceiling.  Romantic huh?  Yeah that whole beautiful part of conceiving a child in a candle lit bedroom on your anniversary or Valentine's Day?  Nope not us.  Just the good ole IVF room at Dr. Anderson's office.  Which I am thankful for- at least we have that technology.  It's just not very fun.

Infertility has also made me deeply saddened and all together a different person.  There are days where I just want to stop everything, go home and cry.  I know it doesn't fix anything or change it, but it just makes me feel better.  Getting it all out.  What use to be beautiful and exciting - is not anymore.  By that what I'm saying is, seeing little babies everywhere.  Hearing about someones pregnancy, delivery, or children.  A big part of me is still very excited for them, especially if their my friends.  But a big part of me will always be sad until I get to experience that.

So many, SO SO many people have told me, "your young, you have plenty of TIME".  I realize that yes, time is on our side.  Does that mean I want to spend the next 15 years trying to have children?  Would you want that?  Of course not!  So why people suggest that it's somehow "easier" because I have that option is crazy.  We've already endured YEARS of this, why would we want to endure more?  And yes we're "young" so we can try longer, but does that discount our heartache we've experienced?  Does it take away our three miscarriages?  No.  Does it bring those babies in my arms?  No.  So instead of trying to encourage someone in my situation with those words, maybe say something along the lines of, "I will be praying that it happens soon for you."  or "We keep you in our prayers all the time." (thanks Shannon and Nathan Brophy for that :) )  There are better things to uplift an infertile couple than suggestions about how long they might have to wait until they have children.

It's my assumption (yes I know those are sometimes bad) but nonetheless, my assumption, that people think infertility is like drinking too much coffee.  The side effects are there, but there are ways to "fix" them.  Just do the right things and POOF! baby.  But it doesn't quite work that way.  Its very complicated and intricate.  And many emotions are left out there in the open.  Words hurt badly and they leave marks people don't even realize their leaving.  Try and understand that infertility is a serious medical condition.  It affects about 10% of the reproductive population.  And that every case is different.  Just because one thing worked for your next door neighbor, doesn't mean it works for someone else.  And because your cousin adopted and then got pregnant doesn't mean that happens for everyone either.  If that's what happened then God wanted them to adopt and for it to work out that way.  Scott and I have had the conversation - we will NOT adopt just to have biological children.

When people say this it drives me crazy.  I feel like they think they've found the perfect solution.  Why would you not honor the beauty of adoption in itself instead of using it as an avenue into childbirth?

Overall, this whole world we're living in its different.  We're different and we know it.  When we see people all around us having children - because we're at that age, and we're not - we know.  When we get the question from acquaintances asking us when its "our time"?  We know.  And it brings about a fury of emotions.  Hurt, depression, anger, frustration, irritation, money issues, happiness, helplessness, etc.  Pretty much any emotion you can think of we've probably felt it along the way.  And realize we have no idea when this will end - if ever.  We have hope and faith in the Lord that He will bless us, but maybe what we hope for will come to find us in a way we don't expect.  We just don't know.  This infertile life is one of never knowing.  But, in all of that we still love each other so much.  We have a great time together and if it ends up being just us forever, I will always consider myself blessed.  I have found the love of my life, and whether or not we get to have children, I will still enjoy our life together.