Waiting for a Dream

Sometimes I will lay awake in bed, trying to fall asleep, and I think about what I might dream about that night.  I dream pretty much every night so it's something I look forward to.  I don't often remember them but a few stick out in my mind.  

I once heard the last thing you think of, you will dream about.  So when I'm missing Dad, I think about him and hope that I get to see him in my dreams.  Hear his voice, laugh with him, and just be.  I do this with our children too.  Of course all of ours are in Heaven, and we have yet to meet them.

However, most nights my dream is random, not about what I was hoping for.  Which is a lot like the past three years.  We've been hoping, waiting, for our dream to come true.  It's something that's consumed my thoughts and is among a lot of my conversations.  I'm just waiting for my dream.

Often times the waiting becomes routine.  I don't expect anything to change and oddly, there is some comfort in that.  Anyone who has experienced multiple miscarriages and infertility knows that if something isn't happening - it means nothing bad is happening.  I celebrate the times I was able to get pregnant, but having that high, then experiencing the plummet to the bottom, was not so wonderful.  

Most of this post is just from my heart.  Where we've been, where we are and where we are going.  It's funny because a lot of the time, especially in a public setting, I can talk about all of this and be more than OK.  But get me in a more one-on-one situation and it's hard for me to fight back tears.  

Just the other day at the OBGYN office, the nurse was interviewing me about my medical history.  I knew it was coming sooner or later.  She asked, "How many pregnancies have you had?"  My answer like it was normal, "Four."  And her reply just ripped my heart out.  She said, "So you have how many children..."  As if to imply four or at least three.  My response, "I have no children."  (At least on Earth anyway)  It was all I could do to hold the tears in.  To not break down and freak out.  It has been a little over nine months since our last miscarriage and I still carry it all with me.

Which is why I have decided - with the help of Scott - to talk with a counselor.  I have got to process my grief and anger regarding miscarriages, infertility and losing my amazing father-in-law or I wont be a good Mom when it does happen.  

Although this appointment was difficult and it brought out emotions I generally shove to the bottom of somewhere, it gave me a lot of answers.  One big thing - I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and most of my medical issues are linked to it.  Now that we have a diagnosis I can find ways to be more comfortable, even if I don't achieve pregnancy.  

This time we have taken for ourselves regarding adopting has obviously brought up an array of different things.  I really think God was orchestrating this timing for us to heal and move on.  I think when we are ready God will bless us either with a pregnancy or guide us the rest of the way in our adoption journey.

Anyway, for any of you out there waiting on your dream of becoming a parent, know this:  take the time out you need to heal.  A lot of people say, "Just keep going, once you have a baby it will make you forget about it all."  Sure, it might.  But that means you've never healed.  I believe I will be a better Mom in the future if I allow myself to heal now.  So for the time being I really am OK waiting for my dream.

Infertility, Adoption and Life's Obstacles

It's been a while since I've written because I didn't know what to write about.  Lately, I've been feeling more like I don't want the world to know our story.  I forgot why I was doing a blog and why I was sharing everything that's happened.

I've realized that this year has been extremely difficult.  Since May of 2011 we've experienced 4 miscarriages, Scott's father passed away suddenly, his Grandmother also passed, and we both had friends that died.  I didn't want to write about those things.  I didn't want to write about infertility or loss or death.  It means that I have to face it.  I've also been experiencing health issues outside of infertility and that have been incredibly frustrating.

We've taken a couple months off from adopting and moving forward with that because of everything that's happened.  We realized that the past three years have only been focused on having a child, and that we needed some time to regroup and start fresh.  That's not to say that we don't want to adopt - we just need to be emotionally ready.

This time off came at the right time.  Soon after deciding to take a "break" I had to have surgery for a skin condition.  I also found out that I have the beginnings of degenerative disc disease in two discs in my lower back.  I am overweight and I've already lost 12 pounds,  but I don't look at myself and go, "Ashliegh your huge! No wonder you have back problems!"  So it was a shock to me to hear these results.  My back doctor informed me that if I don't strengthen my core I will end up having a spinal fusion in the future.  Being a surgical assistant I know I don't want that surgery.  He also told me it was a good thing we were taking "time off" from everything (adoption and infertility treatments) because if I got pregnant it could make my back problems much worse.

Since finding out that information, I really have struggled.  And here's why I think I have: I know it's been a struggle for us to conceive and carry a child.  Obviously, we've had 4 miscarriages.  But it was the fact that someone was literally telling me DO NOT GET PREGNANT.  YOU CANNOT DO THIS RIGHT NOW.  And it sent me in an emotional spiral.  It caused me to finally deal with our last miscarriage (Scott's Dad passed 8 days after my D&C - so I just tucked it away) and it made me realize I don't want to be an unhealthy Mom.  

So, in all my emotional confusion and health frustration I've decided to make a commitment to becoming healthier.  Not a commitment to becoming a Mom, or to infertility treatments or adoption paperwork and preparation.  To me being healthy.  I am currently on day 3 of the AdvoCare 24 day challenge.  It's definitely "challenging", but I know it will be worth it.  I want to lose another 30 pounds and that will put me in a normal weight range and back to my wedding weight.  I feel like its a huge mountain to climb and anyone who's gained weight due to fertility treatment can sympathize.  When we started our journey I was 135-140 lbs.  When I weighed in at our last IVF egg retrieval I was 179.5 at 5'4'' almost a year ago.  Since then I've lost about 12 pounds and I'm hoping this challenge will help me shed some more.  Working out has become difficult because my back is weak but I'm getting there.

Overall, you can see how this year has taken its toll on us.  Before we decided on a break we started a nursery for our future child.  We had planned on adopting very soon so we wanted to prepare.  Now I look at that nursery as motivation.  I want to be the best mother I can be.  I'll be done with school in the next couple of months and it gives me time to get in better shape.  I'm hoping this Christmas brings something very special for us.  Please continue to pray for us and our future family.  And other couples out there struggling to have children.  And pray I can continue to become healthier.  It's not easy but I know it will be worth it.

~Ashliegh

Reality

As I look back on the past three years of trying to have kids, fertility treatments, IVF, multiple miscarriages and adoption, I realize one thing.  It has been hard, but it can always be worse.  Reading other women's blogs about loss, stillbirth, or finding out their children are born with cancer, has grounded me.  Maybe the Lord spared Scott and I from the unimaginable that these couples have faced.  Did losing four of our children early on in our pregnancies suck?  Ummm yes.  But in choosing miscarriage over the loss of a child, there's no comparison.  I'm realizing that while I am "infertile" and we don't know the future, that I am blessed with what I have.  


This is my reality.  Adoption is beautiful and infertility is hard.  But someday, hopefully soon, we will grow as a family.  And in the mean time we will celebrate the beauty of our life now.  We have love and faith.  We still have hope.  Those things are priceless.  

Adopting God's Plan :)

OK...first off sorry for the hiatus.  It's been a crazy couple of months and not all in good ways.  The week following my D&C Scott's Dad passed suddenly.  It's been so difficult and we miss him very much.  We know he is with the Lord but I'm selfish and I want to see him.  The last conversation I had with him I told him we would name our children after him, so it shall happen.  And speaking of children....

Many of you know that Scott and I have endured four miscarriages, two rounds of IVF and many many heartaches.  After all we have gone through and learned the best lesson is this:  being parents has so little to do with conception and pregnancy and more to do with the lifetime following those two experiences.  We feel very strongly that we gave having a biological child for now, our best efforts.  We also feel very strongly that God is calling us to adopt a beautiful little baby!!!  We have finished our adoption application and it is ready to turn in.  We've been working steadily on these 40-50 pieces of paper for over a month now.  I cannot wait to move one step closer to our beautiful child!!!  I hope Dad is watching this all unfold from heaven :).  He's about to have another grand-baby!  I love and miss you Dad.  Can't wait to add to the beautiful family you've raised.

Anxiety

Looking back on our last miscarriages I remember feeling sadness and all the normal things you would feel with a loss of your unborn baby.   However, this time, I am very anxious, all the time, but some moments are worse than others and it seems to heighten my sadness in certain moments.   For instance, Scott and I decided to do further testing with a different provider.  Out of respect to the provider we've been with I called them to let them know what has happened in the past week and what our immediate plans were.  I didn't expect them to agree (I knew they wouldn't) but I figured they would be a little understanding.  

I think they were as understanding as they could be in the moment of surprise.  We have been with this provider for so long I don't think they expected me to go anywhere else.  But their reaction caught me off guard and it seemed like they were angry with me and objected to the testing.  

Needless to say, I sort of lost it after that phone conversation.  And it took a lot for me to calm down.  I don't want to shine a bad light on this doctor.  They are competent and knowledgeable and they have cared for us for a long time.  They are excellent at what they do and I respect them VERY much.  After all, they helped us get pregnant twice.  I just hope they understand why we decided to do further testing...even if we don't find anything like they said we wouldn't, it will give me peace of mind.  *sigh*

Small Achievements

For those of you who've read my blog and have experienced miscarriage you will understand this to the core.  The immediate days following a miscarriage seem to go by so slowly.  I feel the same after every one.  It hurts so bad and I just want to be past it and it seems to last forever.  And today was no different except for this:  I got up at a normal time, showered, did my makeup and put on normal clothes.  I even went to visit a friend.  I've had normal meals at normal times and I'm seriously thinking about doing the dishes.  It's funny how normal daily activities are such an achievement when you go through something so difficult.  The things that were so easy before this, now seem to drain the energy right out of me.  It may be small but I'm moving forward.  

For this miscarriage, we elected to have a D&C and have tissue sent to the Mayo Clinic to be tested.  We're hoping that this will provide answers to why we are having a hard time keeping a pregnancy.  Those answers can't come soon enough.  I'm hoping those answers will provide closure.  I don't know if its because I had a D&C and/or because it was done at my place of employment.  But I am having a difficult time being back there.  I went to pick up flowers that were delivered from my in-laws, and I get very anxious being in that building.  Not so good for the job aspect.  I advised my boss I would be back on Monday and I'm hoping that anxiousness subsides by then.  Also, since I work in surgery and had surgery - all of my co-workers know what happened to me.  They ask if I'm "ok" and the answer is no but I don't wanna sound like a jerk.  It's also the look they give you like well, like your baby just died.  It's so hard.  

I know pretending won't make it go away, but I wish I could pretend it didn't happen so it wouldn't hurt so bad.  So small achievements make me feel better.  Getting dressed and being showered and normal is a big thing today.  It's funny, being alone is almost easier than being around people who know.  I would use the term "baby steps" but that just seems cruel.  So small achievements will do.  

p.s.  I'm not one to "air my dirty laundry" online.  So in case your taken back by my honesty know this: only people who have no idea who I am and are actively seeking my blog or people I allow to see this are getting this information.  So no worries on the personal front. ;)

4 too many...

So it's been a while since I've kept you all up to date.  Scott and I have been busy with church, work and school, which has been a good distraction up until now.  On Saturday - three days ago - we had a D&C as a result of our fourth miscarriage.  At this point there aren't words to describe the heartache this is.  I NEVER thought I'd be here.  I know statistics don't matter to God but only 1% of couples actively trying to conceive will have three or more consecutive losses.  I feel like I'm starting to lose hope.  I honestly don't know what will happen, what we'll find out, or what to do.  I just ask that you would pray for us.  For direction, guidance, and most of all peace and healing.  It's devastating.  I thought it would be better to go back to work today and I got there, and couldn't keep myself together.  I only stayed two hours before I had to leave.  I want this all to be behind us.  Also, not to forget...today is my due date with our first angel.  What a day.