Reality

As I look back on the past three years of trying to have kids, fertility treatments, IVF, multiple miscarriages and adoption, I realize one thing.  It has been hard, but it can always be worse.  Reading other women's blogs about loss, stillbirth, or finding out their children are born with cancer, has grounded me.  Maybe the Lord spared Scott and I from the unimaginable that these couples have faced.  Did losing four of our children early on in our pregnancies suck?  Ummm yes.  But in choosing miscarriage over the loss of a child, there's no comparison.  I'm realizing that while I am "infertile" and we don't know the future, that I am blessed with what I have.  


This is my reality.  Adoption is beautiful and infertility is hard.  But someday, hopefully soon, we will grow as a family.  And in the mean time we will celebrate the beauty of our life now.  We have love and faith.  We still have hope.  Those things are priceless.  

Adopting God's Plan :)

OK...first off sorry for the hiatus.  It's been a crazy couple of months and not all in good ways.  The week following my D&C Scott's Dad passed suddenly.  It's been so difficult and we miss him very much.  We know he is with the Lord but I'm selfish and I want to see him.  The last conversation I had with him I told him we would name our children after him, so it shall happen.  And speaking of children....

Many of you know that Scott and I have endured four miscarriages, two rounds of IVF and many many heartaches.  After all we have gone through and learned the best lesson is this:  being parents has so little to do with conception and pregnancy and more to do with the lifetime following those two experiences.  We feel very strongly that we gave having a biological child for now, our best efforts.  We also feel very strongly that God is calling us to adopt a beautiful little baby!!!  We have finished our adoption application and it is ready to turn in.  We've been working steadily on these 40-50 pieces of paper for over a month now.  I cannot wait to move one step closer to our beautiful child!!!  I hope Dad is watching this all unfold from heaven :).  He's about to have another grand-baby!  I love and miss you Dad.  Can't wait to add to the beautiful family you've raised.

Anxiety

Looking back on our last miscarriages I remember feeling sadness and all the normal things you would feel with a loss of your unborn baby.   However, this time, I am very anxious, all the time, but some moments are worse than others and it seems to heighten my sadness in certain moments.   For instance, Scott and I decided to do further testing with a different provider.  Out of respect to the provider we've been with I called them to let them know what has happened in the past week and what our immediate plans were.  I didn't expect them to agree (I knew they wouldn't) but I figured they would be a little understanding.  

I think they were as understanding as they could be in the moment of surprise.  We have been with this provider for so long I don't think they expected me to go anywhere else.  But their reaction caught me off guard and it seemed like they were angry with me and objected to the testing.  

Needless to say, I sort of lost it after that phone conversation.  And it took a lot for me to calm down.  I don't want to shine a bad light on this doctor.  They are competent and knowledgeable and they have cared for us for a long time.  They are excellent at what they do and I respect them VERY much.  After all, they helped us get pregnant twice.  I just hope they understand why we decided to do further testing...even if we don't find anything like they said we wouldn't, it will give me peace of mind.  *sigh*

Small Achievements

For those of you who've read my blog and have experienced miscarriage you will understand this to the core.  The immediate days following a miscarriage seem to go by so slowly.  I feel the same after every one.  It hurts so bad and I just want to be past it and it seems to last forever.  And today was no different except for this:  I got up at a normal time, showered, did my makeup and put on normal clothes.  I even went to visit a friend.  I've had normal meals at normal times and I'm seriously thinking about doing the dishes.  It's funny how normal daily activities are such an achievement when you go through something so difficult.  The things that were so easy before this, now seem to drain the energy right out of me.  It may be small but I'm moving forward.  

For this miscarriage, we elected to have a D&C and have tissue sent to the Mayo Clinic to be tested.  We're hoping that this will provide answers to why we are having a hard time keeping a pregnancy.  Those answers can't come soon enough.  I'm hoping those answers will provide closure.  I don't know if its because I had a D&C and/or because it was done at my place of employment.  But I am having a difficult time being back there.  I went to pick up flowers that were delivered from my in-laws, and I get very anxious being in that building.  Not so good for the job aspect.  I advised my boss I would be back on Monday and I'm hoping that anxiousness subsides by then.  Also, since I work in surgery and had surgery - all of my co-workers know what happened to me.  They ask if I'm "ok" and the answer is no but I don't wanna sound like a jerk.  It's also the look they give you like well, like your baby just died.  It's so hard.  

I know pretending won't make it go away, but I wish I could pretend it didn't happen so it wouldn't hurt so bad.  So small achievements make me feel better.  Getting dressed and being showered and normal is a big thing today.  It's funny, being alone is almost easier than being around people who know.  I would use the term "baby steps" but that just seems cruel.  So small achievements will do.  

p.s.  I'm not one to "air my dirty laundry" online.  So in case your taken back by my honesty know this: only people who have no idea who I am and are actively seeking my blog or people I allow to see this are getting this information.  So no worries on the personal front. ;)

4 too many...

So it's been a while since I've kept you all up to date.  Scott and I have been busy with church, work and school, which has been a good distraction up until now.  On Saturday - three days ago - we had a D&C as a result of our fourth miscarriage.  At this point there aren't words to describe the heartache this is.  I NEVER thought I'd be here.  I know statistics don't matter to God but only 1% of couples actively trying to conceive will have three or more consecutive losses.  I feel like I'm starting to lose hope.  I honestly don't know what will happen, what we'll find out, or what to do.  I just ask that you would pray for us.  For direction, guidance, and most of all peace and healing.  It's devastating.  I thought it would be better to go back to work today and I got there, and couldn't keep myself together.  I only stayed two hours before I had to leave.  I want this all to be behind us.  Also, not to forget...today is my due date with our first angel.  What a day.

It Never Goes Away

I think I've come to the realization that the pain of losing your baby never goes away.  You learn how to deal with it and "move on".  But the hurt of that loss is so deep it never leaves you completely.  I had written a letter to our first baby that we lost last year on my birthday.  We lost her only days after we knew we were pregnant, but we already had fallen in love with her.  We both instinctively knew she was a girl.  I don't know how to explain it but we did.  And we named our precious baby girl Esther.  Esther would have been born in about 5 weeks.  Her birthday is February 28, 2012.  I hadn't cried about it in a really long time until I read the letter today, that I wrote her a few weeks after losing her.  Here it is:

My Little Angel,

For a moment you were here with us, you brought so much joy and wonder.  I know it was only a brief time but I fell in love with you.  And now I miss you dearly.  Tomorrow I would have seen your heart beat and your little body developing.  I miss you so much but I know that in this moment I can't hold you, cuddle you or kiss you, that Jesus will in my place.  Mommy loves you so much Esther.

Knowing tomorrow morning will come and go like you never were breaks my heart.  Know I am thinking about you.  Know that I wish tomorrow would have been one of the best days of my entire life.  But also know the day I found out you were a life growing inside of me was one of the best days I've ever experienced (Daddy experienced it with me).  We were so excited about you - and still are.

We look forward to the day we get to wrap our arms around you at heaven's gates.  I can't wait to see your smiling face.  Looking forward to that moment gives me peace about moving forward.  You will always have a very special place in my heart.  Forever.  I love you so very much.

Loving you ALWAYS,
Momma

Great Song about Infertility