I think I've come to the realization that the pain of losing your baby never goes away. You learn how to deal with it and "move on". But the hurt of that loss is so deep it never leaves you completely. I had written a letter to our first baby that we lost last year on my birthday. We lost her only days after we knew we were pregnant, but we already had fallen in love with her. We both instinctively knew she was a girl. I don't know how to explain it but we did. And we named our precious baby girl Esther. Esther would have been born in about 5 weeks. Her birthday is February 28, 2012. I hadn't cried about it in a really long time until I read the letter today, that I wrote her a few weeks after losing her. Here it is:
My Little Angel,
For a moment you were here with us, you brought so much joy and wonder. I know it was only a brief time but I fell in love with you. And now I miss you dearly. Tomorrow I would have seen your heart beat and your little body developing. I miss you so much but I know that in this moment I can't hold you, cuddle you or kiss you, that Jesus will in my place. Mommy loves you so much Esther.
Knowing tomorrow morning will come and go like you never were breaks my heart. Know I am thinking about you. Know that I wish tomorrow would have been one of the best days of my entire life. But also know the day I found out you were a life growing inside of me was one of the best days I've ever experienced (Daddy experienced it with me). We were so excited about you - and still are.
We look forward to the day we get to wrap our arms around you at heaven's gates. I can't wait to see your smiling face. Looking forward to that moment gives me peace about moving forward. You will always have a very special place in my heart. Forever. I love you so very much.
Loving you ALWAYS,
Momma
For a moment you were here with us, you brought so much joy and wonder. I know it was only a brief time but I fell in love with you. And now I miss you dearly. Tomorrow I would have seen your heart beat and your little body developing. I miss you so much but I know that in this moment I can't hold you, cuddle you or kiss you, that Jesus will in my place. Mommy loves you so much Esther.
Knowing tomorrow morning will come and go like you never were breaks my heart. Know I am thinking about you. Know that I wish tomorrow would have been one of the best days of my entire life. But also know the day I found out you were a life growing inside of me was one of the best days I've ever experienced (Daddy experienced it with me). We were so excited about you - and still are.
We look forward to the day we get to wrap our arms around you at heaven's gates. I can't wait to see your smiling face. Looking forward to that moment gives me peace about moving forward. You will always have a very special place in my heart. Forever. I love you so very much.
Loving you ALWAYS,
Momma
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