Waiting for a Dream

Sometimes I will lay awake in bed, trying to fall asleep, and I think about what I might dream about that night.  I dream pretty much every night so it's something I look forward to.  I don't often remember them but a few stick out in my mind.  

I once heard the last thing you think of, you will dream about.  So when I'm missing Dad, I think about him and hope that I get to see him in my dreams.  Hear his voice, laugh with him, and just be.  I do this with our children too.  Of course all of ours are in Heaven, and we have yet to meet them.

However, most nights my dream is random, not about what I was hoping for.  Which is a lot like the past three years.  We've been hoping, waiting, for our dream to come true.  It's something that's consumed my thoughts and is among a lot of my conversations.  I'm just waiting for my dream.

Often times the waiting becomes routine.  I don't expect anything to change and oddly, there is some comfort in that.  Anyone who has experienced multiple miscarriages and infertility knows that if something isn't happening - it means nothing bad is happening.  I celebrate the times I was able to get pregnant, but having that high, then experiencing the plummet to the bottom, was not so wonderful.  

Most of this post is just from my heart.  Where we've been, where we are and where we are going.  It's funny because a lot of the time, especially in a public setting, I can talk about all of this and be more than OK.  But get me in a more one-on-one situation and it's hard for me to fight back tears.  

Just the other day at the OBGYN office, the nurse was interviewing me about my medical history.  I knew it was coming sooner or later.  She asked, "How many pregnancies have you had?"  My answer like it was normal, "Four."  And her reply just ripped my heart out.  She said, "So you have how many children..."  As if to imply four or at least three.  My response, "I have no children."  (At least on Earth anyway)  It was all I could do to hold the tears in.  To not break down and freak out.  It has been a little over nine months since our last miscarriage and I still carry it all with me.

Which is why I have decided - with the help of Scott - to talk with a counselor.  I have got to process my grief and anger regarding miscarriages, infertility and losing my amazing father-in-law or I wont be a good Mom when it does happen.  

Although this appointment was difficult and it brought out emotions I generally shove to the bottom of somewhere, it gave me a lot of answers.  One big thing - I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and most of my medical issues are linked to it.  Now that we have a diagnosis I can find ways to be more comfortable, even if I don't achieve pregnancy.  

This time we have taken for ourselves regarding adopting has obviously brought up an array of different things.  I really think God was orchestrating this timing for us to heal and move on.  I think when we are ready God will bless us either with a pregnancy or guide us the rest of the way in our adoption journey.

Anyway, for any of you out there waiting on your dream of becoming a parent, know this:  take the time out you need to heal.  A lot of people say, "Just keep going, once you have a baby it will make you forget about it all."  Sure, it might.  But that means you've never healed.  I believe I will be a better Mom in the future if I allow myself to heal now.  So for the time being I really am OK waiting for my dream.